Tuesday, December 10, 2013

A Baby Just Like You

Originally published December 9, 2013

This time next year I am going to be the mother of a teenager.  Holy hell.  How does time fly so fast?  I can remember taking that fateful pregnancy test like it was yesterday! Today is my son's 12th birthday!  Did I tell you all the story last year...its kind of funny.  Oh well, we have some new folks here, so let's reminisce, shall we?

When I was about 31 weeks pregnant, a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving, way back in 2000, I went in to preterm labor and was admitted to the hospital.  I had to stay for the weekend and was discharged on some meds that controlled the contractions I was having.  I also had to wear a contraction monitor belt at least once a day and transmit it to a nursing call center and I was on bed rest. I was going stir crazy.  I knew that I would be sorry I didn't enjoy the whole idea of doing nothing as soon as he was born, I was restless.  I watched A LOT of talk shows, Lifetime movies and Beverly Hills 90210 reruns!  A LOT!  

Around my 34th week, I was feeling pretty good and they lifted some of my restrictions, so I could go to the store or the movies - just as long as I wasn't lifting anything at all.  Ever.  On December 9, 2000, my husband and I went out to lunch and then went to see the movie Unbreakable (more on this later...).  We were about halfway between our home and his parents house, so we decided to stop by and ended up having dinner with them.  It was Italian sausage and pasta (again...more on this later).  It was a nice day and evening.  We went home - I was exhausted.  I put the contraction belt on for an hour and sent it to the call center.  A nurse called me back and told me everything looked fine.  I went to bed.

At 3:01 am I woke up.  Yes, it was that exact moment.   I thought I was dying.  I had HORRIBLE cramping and felt just miserable.  I knew I was in labor.  However, I had heard all kinds of stories about how with your first baby labor goes on and on forever, so I figured he was coming that day, but didn't expect him before dinner time.  I also remember thinking that I shouldn't eat anything - and I was starving - so I didn't.  I had been told that if I ever started having contractions like that to put the belt on and send the strip through, so I did...and tried to surf the net while having really bad contractions.  An hour later (grrr...) I transmitted the strip and got a call back.  I was having a hard time talking because of the pain.  The nurse told me she wasn't picking anything up but she could tell I was "in distress" (what gave that away??)  but she couldn't instruct me to go to the hospital, I had to call my doctor's answering service.  Shut the front door.  I could have done that an hour ago. So I called.  Now, there are about eight doctors in the practice I go to, and it could have been any one of them calling me back, but it was MY doctor.  I was so happy I almost cried.  Or maybe I did...I can't remember for sure!  He told me to come on in and we would see what was going on.  In the mean time, I had tried taking a shower and was trying to let my husband sleep as it was his only day he had completely off and he was pretty exhausted from taking care of me and working six days a week.  Finally, (and after talking to my doctor) I woke him up and said it was time.  We had the standard, "Are you sure?"  "Yes I'm sure dammit, get the fuck out of bed and get me to the hospital!!!"  Conversation.  We were walking out the door and I told him to stop because I had to go to the bathroom...nope.  I didn't really...I needed to push.  Luckily we lived about five minutes from the hospital.  And it was about 5:30 am on a Sunday morning.  And there was no snow yet.  YET.  

We left for the hospital.  And got stopped at every light.  I told my husband to drive through them.  If a cop wanted to pull us over, he could follow us to the hospital and write him the ticket while I went to deliver our son.  I didn't care.  I think we made it there in about 90 seconds.  We got to the hospital (the one I work at) and he was driving about 60 mph to the entrance and didn't know about the big speed bump - it was dark.  Yeah.  Full speed.  I just about died.  He apologized.  He got me to the door and I jumped from the car.  The security guard asked me if I wanted to wait for him and I pretty much told him no.  So he took me up the elevator and I had a contraction.  A big one.  He was a young guy who had never experienced such a thing and looked like he couldn't get rid of me fast enough.  He took me to the triage desk and left me there so he could make sure my husband was able to get inside.  And he wanted to get away from me before I delivered.  And he forgot to lock the wheelchair.  I did not know this, nor did I think about it.  So the staff is getting me registered and what not, and I am trying to be as patient as a woman in full on labor can be when I have another big contraction.  I stood up and grabbed the desk...about ten people rushed me to sit me down in the unlocked wheelchair, which proceeded to roll out from under me, causing my water to break all over the place. Nice.  I got right back to a room after that....my husband got off of the elevator right then and had no idea what had just happened, but I am pretty sure he was relieved he missed it.  

So I get in a room and there is a flurry of activity around me.  I am getting bitchier by the second.  Some nurse, who was evidently absent the day they discussed low blood sugar levels in nursing school, started YELLING at me to do my breathing and focus.  I think I told her to get fucked.  My husband was the even headed one and tried telling her at least 15 times that I was hypoglycemic (low blood sugar) and that they should probably start an IV.  Well, she wasn't having that - no one was going to tell her - and she kept yelling at me about breathing and focusing.  Finally one of the residents (we are a teaching hospital) walked in and read my chart and yelled at her to hang an IV STAT.  Low blood sugar.  All of this happened over a five minute span.  About 30 seconds after the IV started doing its job I was calm and DOING MY BREATHING AND FOCUSING.  I noticed a lot of blood on my arm and my husband informed me that I got a little combative.  Oh well.  All this chaos and we'd only been at the hospital for about 10 minutes.  

So, it was time to push.  I got three really good ones in....rested waiting for the next one...three more good ones...resting and my doctor walks in!!  While he is gowning up, the greatest labor coach in the world leaned in and reminded me that in a couple more pushes I could have a beer.  I'd been craving beer my entire pregnancy.  Three pushes later, and there he was!  I heard a little cry and then the NICU team checked him out (I was only 35 5/7, so they had to be sure) and then they gave him to me to hold for the first time.  He was the tiniest little peanut.  He didn't open his eyes for another 13 hours, but he was healthy!  They had to take him to the Special Care Nursery to run the rest of their tests, but I got to say hello first, so we were good.  He was born at 6:01 am.  Three hours exactly after I woke up

After all that, the idiot nurse had the audacity to say to me, "Wow, when you focus, you really focus!"  I think I mumbled that she could get fucked again, but since I was much calmer with glucose in my blood,  I didn't yell at her. A little while later, I finally got a tray of food and they brought him back to my room in his little isolette and it started to snow.  I was amazed about that sweet little bundle actually being there right next to me...and at how incredible the hospital food tasted!  And by the way, we got about 3 feet of snow that day and into the next.  

And now he is almost as tall as me.

As for the Italian food and movie - strangest thing - two years later when my daughter was born, we had pizza for dinner and that movie had been on cable that day.  CRAZY!!

So that's my story for today.  I hope you enjoyed it.  

Now, I asked my son what his favorite food that I make is, and he said chocolate chip cookies.  Well, I've posted recipes for those before, so how about something we are going to make this weekend that involves cookie dough?  He was all for it.  So you guys win.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Truffles

2 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup (2 sticks) butter or margarine, room temperature
3/4 cup granulated sugar
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/3 cup milk or cream (soy or almond milk works too)
1 cup mini semi-sweet chocolate chips

14 oz dark chocolate candy coating

Beat butter and sugars and in large bowl with electric mixer on medium speed until light and fluffy. Add cream and vanilla. Stir in flour and salt and mix on low speed (or by hand) until incorporated. Stir in chocolate chips.

Cover and chill dough for 1 hour.
When dough is firm enough to handle (it may help to lightly flour your hands), form dough into 1" balls and arrange on a baking sheet lined with waxed paper. Place sheets in freezer and let chill for 30 minutes.
Melt chocolate candy coating in a double boiler or in microwave according to package directions. Using forks or a dipping tool, dip cookie balls into candy coating to cover. Tap fork on side of pan to remove any excess coating, and return to waxed paper-lined baking sheets. Chill until set. Store, chilled, in an airtight container for up to 1 week.


And boom.  Just like that he's a teenager.  He's taller than me.  He's still the sweetest kid!  Oh yeah...he wants another little sister too.  Love him!


  1. Replies
    1. Yeah, I wasn't really laughing at the time, but now.... Whole other story!

  2. Sounds like a story you see in the movies, loved the speed hump bit! I'd have loved to have seen your face, then his face! he he!

    1. He was lucky he didn't get throat punched!

  3. It's so much fun reading that one. I have a question though, what beer did you drink?

    Congratulations to the birthday boy! And those truffles sound ridiculously delicious.

    1. I know you always get a kick out of that one!

      Molson Ice.

      And thanks. He has a great day!

      And make the truffles. So, so worth it!

  4. As I read this I couldn't help but hear Bill Cosby's "natural childbirth" routine from "Himself" playing in the background, complete with his breathing instructions for his wife "Push 'em out, Push 'em out, WAY out!" "Zoopa Zoopa"... "Not in the car, dear!"

    Funny tale. Happy B-day to the teenager. May your life not get stranger by the minute from here on out, as mine did when my daughter reached puberty. She morphed from my angel to Linda Blair in The Exorcist overnight, and actually learned out to spin her head 360 degrees and projectile spew vile curse words at us... Took about ten years for her to calm down and become a human again. Glad I didn't strangle "it" in "its" sleep, but considered it a viable option at the time.

    1. I remember that!! Yeah. Great fun. Incidentally, I had an epidural with my daughter two years later. I actually recovered way better with no drugs!

      And yeah.. We're good now, but I'm guessing that won't necessarily last plus his sister is two years behind him. That's when the real party starts.